10 years since entering Carmel: lessons from the cloister for everyday life

And somehow 10 years have slipped by since that young 18 year old girl stood at the enclosure doors of the Carmelite Monastery, nestled in the hills of the El Dorado forest, with her parents and gaggle of siblings behind her.

I can remember that day all too well, especially when my memories are placed side by side with the photos my family captured from that day, thinking they would be the last. I wore my blue t-shirt and pin striped midi skirt from Old Navy with my dark blue/grey Mary Jane flats that I would wear every day for the following year through postulancy until I exchanged them for the sandals of a Discalced Carmelite Nun. It was a beautiful, sunny, Summer morning and my entire family with the exception of my oldest brother walked with me up the path from the guest house, where we had all slept the night before, and to the main enclosure doors of the cloister. They had taken me on one last family vacation - a week long camp trip through Tahoe - which would culminate in this one pivotal moment and morning together, soon to be separated for what we thought was life.

My dad choked back those rare fatherly tears that were always saved for the most precious of moments and held my hand as we walked. I saw him sneaking photos of our hands held together and I had to look away to keep my own tears at bay. My youngest sister, only three years old, held onto the rim of my guitar case which I carried with me in my other hand. Her little eyes searched me and watched, processing these events as only a three year old could. I hugged each of my siblings and then my parents one last time as tears rolled down my mom's cheeks and we all tried to find the last words to say.

My own eyes brimmed with tears, especially as I looked at my little sister. I remember my heart racing, this mysterious intermingling of deep sorrow and loss with joy and ecstatic anticipation welling up within me. As I knocked, the large wooden doors creaked open to reveal a small community of 15 women in full habits awaiting me. I knelt at the threshold as I had been instructed the night before and a large crucifix was lowered down to me by Mother Superior which I kissed. She then took me by the hand and without looking behind me I stepped into the enclosure and the heavy doors were locked behind me.

10 years have passed since this day on July 23rd, 2016. 10 years and so many little memories and lessons still live in my mind and heart from those two years I spent in the cloister. These were two years that were full of mystery, intimacy, growth, trial, and immense joy. They were years that formed me for the life I am now living as a wife and a mother here "in the world", utterly necessary for me to be the woman and one day by the grace of God the saint God has made me to be in this time.

I want to share just a few very brief lessons with you, and my hope is that it will inspire your own heart as you live your ordinary, daily life here in the world. I dream of one day writing a book full of little memoirs and lessons from the cloister for every day life, but for now I have just four simple reflections to share with you. Just because we aren't fully clothed in a habit or living within a monastery or abbey doesn't mean we were made for any less intimacy with and transformation in Christ. You were made for union with God, and to be ablaze with His love. And that is lessons number 1.

1. You are made for Divine intimacy, total transformation in Christ, and to be ablaze with His love. You were not made to settle or compromise your deepest desires or longings for the Lord because it can feel like a lonely, rare, or hidden choice here "in the world". You were not made to be of this world, but to truly participate in the life of God even here and now through grace. Do not settle. Give your whole heart to Him, pursue His Heart entirely, and let your own heart be ravished by Him.

   One of the greater pains of my life was leaving Carmel and experiencing the Lord's invitation to let go of Religious Life. I wanted to be His bride alone, I wanted to be consecrated totally to Him, but at the heart of it was also a fear that to belong to another would mean to belong less to Him. Slowly, His merciful and tender love invited me to dare to believe and begin to experience that He wanted no less of me just because I wasn't in the full habit or taking a new name from Him. He invited me to believe that marriage is no less of a call to holiness and intimacy with Him, though it looks different, and that just because the world and satan have blurred the vision of what marriage was intended to be, it doesn't change to truth that it was created by and belongs to Him.

   
   

2. Give all to Jesus. Let my life be a testament that should you lose or freely give up everything for Christ, you will find yourself more alive, full, and satisfied than if you were to withhold yourself and your life from Him. Jesus is the life we are all seeking, the love we are all seeking. He alone is perfect satisfaction and fulfillment for our hearts in a way no creature, however wonderful a gift they are in our lives, can ever be.

   I left everyone and everything I knew and loved at 18 years old to enter that cloister, and though there was much suffering at times and I felt the loss keenly, I also experienced (through it) a joy and depth of intimacy with God that otherwise wouldn't have had room in my heart. Those 15 women who live that hidden life, with no recognition, forgotten by so many at this point, are a testament to this deep mystery and truth of the Gospel: those who lose their lives for Christ's sake will find it. I have never met more lovely, joyful, alive women who pray so hard, sacrifice so much, and laugh so heartily.

3. Order and rhythm is holy. We identify ourselves with being "type A" or "type B", but in the end, no one is excused from the need to both surrender and have order in their lives. I want to look at order for a moment. In Carmel, the entire life is laid out by the hour before you and you live in obedience to the rule and way of life as an act of surrender and obedience to God. It is structured in an integrated and intenional way to help you fulfill your duties, remain in communion with God and your community, and to detach you at times from your own will and preferences. When the bell would ring, we were told that it was Jesus Himself calling us to prayer and the best response was to immediately detach yourself from what you were doing and go with love to meet Him in the chapel.

   While we can't pretend to be cloistered nuns in our own homes, we are still called to cultivate and embrace a certain order and way of life in our "domestic churches" or even in our single-hood. Having a sort of "way of life" invites us to order, discipline, to detach at times from our own indulgence or laziness, and reorients us to communion with God in the throes of daily life. Think, for starts, of simply going to sleep at the same time each night and waking up at the same time each morning as much as is reasonably possible. Pray through and write down a simple "backbone" if you will for your day to day life that prioritizes the "first things" and flows from what is most important in your identity and mission. For example, when you wake up, make it a non-negotiable that you make your morning cup of coffee and then go spend 30 minutes in quiet prayer with the Lord before anything else. Maybe making morning Mass is part of your daily routine, having designated times for meals (roughly, again, as it realistically fits with our schedules and family life), praying your rosary, moving your body, screen time limits, spiritual reading, etc. And then when your tempted to lapse into doom scrolling, or feel unproductive and lethargic, your little "horarium" will pull you back in and invite you to rise up in an act of love to respond to the life you are being called to live. There is so much I would love to write simply on "order" in daily life, but for now I will leave it at this: pray through and create a little "way of life" that can help you order your heart to the what is most important in your day to day life.

4. Even here "in the world" there is a religious "habit" that we have been invited to wear. If you didn't listen to the podcast episode a couple of weeks ago on Our Lady of Mount Carmel and the Brown Scapular, I would highly encourage you to give it a listen here. In it I share about where we got the brown scapular, and the spirit of Carmel from which it flows and that it cultivates. Carmelite spirituality stands as a reminder to all of us to live with the zeal of the prophet Elijah and the receptivity, recollection, and docility of the Blessed Virgin Mary. It puts before us the words of Elijah, "with zeal have I been zealous for the Lord God of hosts" and Our Lady, "be it done unto me according to your word". When we wear this "miniature habit" of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, every single one of us is reminded that we were made to belong totally to God, to give ourselves totally to God, and to let ourselves be loved entirely by God. We have all been invited by Our Lady (in many following Marian apparitions as well) to wear the Brown Scapular as a sign of our response to this call, to love Jesus totally through her Heart, and as a reminder of what we are made for.

   So my last lesson I share with you comes from experiencing the richness of being fully clothed in the habit of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, the deep sorrow I experienced in having to take it off when I left, and the mysterious joy and fulfillment I have personally found in realizing even here "in the world" I may remain wrapped in her mantle, in her "mini habit", and live this life of totality no less as a wife and a mother.

Know of my prayers for you who follow and are part of this community here at Qui Minimo. I pray you know to what depths of intimacy and holiness you are called and that you respond with your entire hearts to the One Who made you and loves you more than you ever could yourself.

Anna